my re-adjusting has conjured in me a feeling of general disappointment. i'm sad and disheartened to see the streets empty, everything happens behind closed doors. i'm stuck inside my house. and when i go somewhere, i'm isolated in the little vehicle. when i interact with other people, a counter and sometimes even a window separate us, and the interaction is almost always exclusively based on money. where are all the people that come up to me just because they want to know my life story? and what about all the fun to be had in eating with one's hands? and what about all the "allo madam" greetings i used to get? and who cares if i don't shave or use shampoo or deodorant anymore?
i've found what's important in life, and i've failed to find any of that to be valued or even available here. some have inquired further and i've tried to explain, but it's very hard to articulate to someone who hasn't been through it. (prior to leaving, i had always tried to keep my mind open and aware of the big world out there, but having a "global perspective" doesn't mean shit when you are an outsider and a newcomer to a civilization thousands of years old, and people treat you based on a completely different notion of how the world works, these people call the shots and reshape your schema)
however, i will try to expound on my statement... things that are important can not be bought and sold or worn or slapped on the back of your car. "freedom" is so awesome to americans, but we don't express ourselves freely or give of ourselves freely. everyone is trying to find and assert their identity, trying to express their individuality. but think about it, why is difference and individuality so important? as long as we strive to show how we are unique or different, the higher our propensity to judge others by how they go about doing that same thing. and with all this business going on, we fail to give people a chance, to get to know each other, much less have any real sense of unity. we think we have a conception of "the american people" or "californians" or "Muslims" or any other group typically stereotyped, but all this achieves is a division which is destructive to assessing or effecting the common good. meanwhile, the powers-that-be continue to bank off our ignorance. and they don't give a fuck about how you identify yourself, as long as you vote for them and consume the goods provided by the special interests with whom they collude.
man, I just want to scream this stuff to the world!!! WAKE UP, people!
but it seems i've gone a little off-course and tripped over my soap box. back to my reassessment of priorities. communication. it goes beyond language, and nestles on the strand of the commonality that vibrates in every human. to share that with someone, to be stripped of the symbols we are used to relying on and it's just you and another person, seeking common ground, understanding is more difficult, yes, but therefore immensely more rewarding.
empowerment and confidence. from being in india, i learned that a person, especially a woman, needs to be aware of herself and her surroundings without being afraid. i had to come to own my body and keep my mind strong so as to not be swayed or manipulated. before going there, i was nice to a fault. now, i'm nice whenever possible, but know it's proper limit. i also learned to figure out what i want and to clearly assert it. this assertion is not necessarily a bad thing, but necessary if you want to get anywhere. this also goes with communication. being nice and apologizing for any accidental contact with another with whom you share this planet will not get you a train ticket, food, a seat on a bus, or anything else that may be even remotely desirable to the other 1.2 billion people in India. this is one skill though that has transfered well into the efficiency-friendly u.s. of a. (friends and fam, you'll get used to it.)
so yeah, great to see ya again, Amurr'ca, but i gotta say, you've really packed on the pounds since I last saw ya. was it all the comfort food, the comfy seats, or all the awesome tv shows that did it? none of the above? ah well, it's probably still not your fault... Now, im not really one to talk. managed to pack on five kilograms myself, (you can do the conversion to lbs, i dont want to make my self-deprecation TOO easy...), but america, you're really starting to worry me with your habits and ways, is this a cry for help?
another thing about your habits and ways, man, is that we haven't even been reunited for a whole week yet and already you're a bad influence. you're giving me ADD with all your commercials and shows and music videos. i mean i cant even get a full thought out in this blog entry without starting a new paragraph about somethin else! you drowned my friendship with good ol' Patience in your gallons of coffee. (btw, where else are the words "tall" and "small" synonymous?) You encourage me to buy worthless unnecessary shit that'll break or go out of style in a month under the guise of the "spirit of giving." Your simple-minded novels and movies numb my active and questioning mind. It's like I don't even know you anymore, and from my impression, I don't think i'd like to get reaquainted...
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this is coming to you from the waiting room of the sacramento county courthouse, where i wait to serve my civic duty on a jury. back to reality, from one extreme to another.
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